This morning was just one of "those" mornings.
Mornings are often very hard for me... I used to think that it was a matter of not getting much undisturbed sleep, lack of sleep definitely does horrible things to your body and emotions naturally run high, but even when I do it's hard to wake up on the optimistic side.
I always jump out of bed to check on Brayden, when he's ok I feel relief... if I stir a bit in the night, my first thoughts are about Brayden. If he's been quiet and soundly sleeping, immediately I feel that something must be wrong. I almost love it when he wakes me up throughout the night, I don't wake in the morning with that panic feeling. I will not ever go to sleep without checking his breathing.
Lately, I find it harder and harder to just wake up and be grateful that my son is doing so well. I find myself, instead, dwelling on what could go wrong... or thinking that things have been too good for too long, and expecting the blessings to become fewer and fewer.
As my day progresses, the optimism builds. It could be due to my lack of time to dwell on such absurdities, being a stay-at-home mommy to three busy children leaves little time for personal, inner thoughts.
Sometimes, however, optimism finds me, due to a small reminder of what I'm fighting for. Those reminders come in many shapes and sizes. Something just as small as a grin from my 'lil miracle man, or a wonderful chat with my daughters about angels during a thunderstorm, or even just little fingers clinging a bit tighter to me than usual.
Other times it's a message from someone I've touched, just as was the case this morning.
This is the message I received that did it for me today:
"what an amazing person you are. I wished that my sons ex-girlfriend would have been like you and my grand-daughter might still be alive. I thank God that he has given you the courage to fight the good fight for your son. keep it up God will bless you always. I ask that God greatly blesses you and your family."
I hope she doesn't mind my posting this, I'm not sure how she found me... though I put myself out there to be found and am so grateful that I've touched her by doing something that seems nothing less than "normal" for me these days. As truly happy as this message made me to read, it saddened me as well, to be reminded that others have a harder time finding the right places, the places of great hope & faith, that I have found.
I now have a clear motive with this blog, to reach out to as many people as I can... to give them greater knowledge about my son's condition, to inspire them to have endless hope regardless of the obstacles ahead, to help others who are at a place that I once was... a place of helplessness when it comes to helping a loved one, or worse, your own child. I only wish that I could more easily find others to help. I, too, started my journey with a new baby and an unknown diagnosis, as a single mommy with nearly 3 children.
A completely different person, a much more motivated and strong person, emerged during my pregnancy as this journey began.
Everyone says that life experiences are what make you the person you become, and I am now happy with who I am... but I needed help in becoming who I wanted to be. I don't even know where to begin, but I want to reach more people, help more people, guide them to where I find myself now. To the place where it's second-nature to fight, regardless of what obstacle is placed in their way. To the place where everything is a blessing, and very little is ever overlooked as just that. To the place where happiness is what you make of what you have, not what you are given in life